your steps are too holy for this world

Evren - Oakland, 9th
dear y,
flower crowns and highlighter made of sundust. we were safe, tucked away from the horrors that raged around us. tucked into a little oasis of joy and flight. we would spin in circles, crying and laughing and living (something i'd forgotten how to do). perhaps I was the only one who saw how flowers sprung up in the imprint of your foot. how the places we danced together became more alive, more vibrant, and that when I was with you my smile came easier than it ever had. 

my life is perfect, or so I've told everyone, including myself. somehow I still tell myself I am just a fraud, even when it's just me crying. i have begun to block out all of the days that added more cracks and holes, so that i am safe from their intrusion. 

i am moon, 3 am, tumblr, gilded eyes, too many spotify playlists, words organized by nothing but emotion, tangled hair, water, fire, shadows and wind, riding in old trucks and loud music, bruised knees, blurry photos, dimples, sarcasm, train tracks and salt, lavender and teal, prayers to forgotten gods, mascara or eye bags, citrus and the notes app. 

you are sun, good mornings, campfires, meadows and wildflowers, broken hearts, polaroids and tea, words that take me back to summer stargazing with you, google docs, 10 pm texts, leaps, jumps and flips, paintings, checkered print, planet orbits, plum purple, apples and bare feet, backpacking, bagels, road trips and ash, and of course, dancing atop my doubts and sadness. 

how do I tell you that I am a burden to this planet when you are a shimmering bubble, yearning to break free of its earthly constraints? how do I tell you that you are more my sister than my twin? how do I tell you that I've always dreamed of being a bird, that I never knew how high we could fly until I met you. i don't know how to tell you any of this, tell anyone any of this, so I'll leave this here for you to one day find. 

this is my love letter. do you understand? i think you may have saved me, without me knowing it.