What do I want?

by E.Sinclair, 10th
     Your first kiss is a day you’ll never forget. But when you’ve never experienced it, you dream about the day it will happen. 
     “Guys suck. They only want to hurt you,” my best friend tells me as we FaceTime. The tears rolling down my face only instilled this belief. But why did I not believe her. I had heard countless tales of “love at first sight.” Not thirty seconds after she tells me this, my best friend begins to ramble on about the guys she likes, one with a girlfriend and one who doesn’t like her anymore. I had heard these stories countless times. “Does she not care about me? Are my struggles not as important as hers?” I wonder to myself. The tears continue to fall, but I say nothing. I drown out her voice with apps on my phone. Who knew Instagram could not only make me feel completely left out, but could be used as an escape. I see a post, the guy who I felt had hurt me, and I could feel another wave of tears rush to my eyes. I wanted to scream. At him. At my friend. At myself. But I stayed silent. 
     “What’s going on in your life?” My friend finally asks me. The tears continue to fall down like rain. I don’t want to talk to her, but who am I supposed to talk to? I start telling her the story, of how a guy told me he liked me, but only wanted my body. He asked how far I wanted to go, wanting us to be friends with benefits, not boyfriend and girlfriend. At this point the tears refuse to stop. I try to control them, but nothing will allow them to dry up. 
    “Welcome to the real world,” is how she replies. “Is that supposed to make me feel better?” I reply. “Well this kind of stuff happens, you’re just experiencing it later than everyone else." That’s when I became fed up. The tears flooded my eyes, rolling down faster and faster. My vision became blurry. My best friend had managed to make me feel worse about myself. 
     After I told him, I began to think about him. I couldn’t get him out of my head. I didn’t even think he was that cute, but I just wanted to experience new things. Another one of my friends constantly boasted about what she did with her boyfriend. Being flattered took control. I don’t like him, but I want him. Or do I just want my first kiss?