Say it out loud

by Nalli, 9th
What is your favorite color? Yellow. Why? I’m not sure. [Yellow was the color in my grandmother’s apron that she wore almost every day. Sometimes when I close my eyes I can still feel her hand holding onto mine.] You are afraid of heights, right? No, I’m not a child. [Yes, when we went into the most beautiful glass elevator I couldn’t breathe the entire time I was on it. I don’t know why high places represent the fall but they do and I  don’t know how to change that.] You talk about your mom a lot so you must live with her, what about your father? There isn’t much to tell. [Almost entirely true. I think I might hate him more than I love him and that makes me feel guilty. He’s the reason behind much of my trauma but he is still my father. I wish that didn’t matter.] You enjoy being degraded. Whether it’s by your own hand or another’s, correct? I don’t know how to answer that. [If I gave them permission to hurt me then I’m not allowed to feel pity for myself.] When was the first time you fell in love? I have never fallen in love. [I wish I wasn’t lying.] You’ve cut your hair more times than you can count this year, why? I felt like it, I guess. Change is good. [When I don't like who i’m becoming I chop off my hair  because it's the only thing on my body that I can get rid of without raising questions.] Why do you eat so little? I have a very small appetite. [My appetite is bigger than my entire being. I feel like I don't deserve to eat and I don’t want anybody looking at me and thinking the same thing.] What do you consider home? The house I currently live in? I don’t understand this question. [I don’t know if a human is supposed to feel like home but he does and I can't avoid that.] Why are you so quiet? I’m shy. I’ve been like this my entire life. [When his claws dug into me he taught me how to be invisible. I’m 17 and I still can’t speak up for myself and it hurts to say no. I don’t want to be noticed if it comes with a price. I want to be background noise. The color beige. I don’t ever want to be a rainbow.] Who do you love the most in this world? Myself. [ Trying to work on it.] How many people do you see here? Five. [five] two. [two] zero. [zero] 
Why do you want to die? [I don't] 
I feel so alone it swallows me whole sometimes. [ I want to live. I swear, I do.]